Unabashed

Recently (a corporation) decided to hire (a departmental manager) and sent out three questions to prospective hires. One of the questionaires fell into my hands, so I filled it out and returned it using the name Vlad Kahn. Would you hire me?

Please list your top 3-5 strengths that will make you a strong candidate for this position.

1. I am a merciless director. I lead by example. My example is rage.
2. I demand the utmost discipline from my employees (henceforth referred to as “subjects” or “minions”) and will tolerate no insolence. Insolence is a sure way to cause my rage to be unleashed.
3. I am prone to fits of rage. For example, if I am not invited to interview for this position, my rage will be unleashed. Likewise, if I am not chosen for this position, my rage will be unleashed (I am prone to “get medieval”). I have chosen this company because I see potential for advancement, and I like the neighborhood. The coffee shop near the escalator is a nice touch. They should sell muffins.
4. BAH! (–I have unleashed my rage)
5. Satisfying my appetite for blood (henceforth referred to as “bloodlust”) each day when I arrive at work is a practice that should NOT be interfered with. Any interference will be met with a severe penalty. I.E.: My rage will be unleashed.
6. Do not expect me before dusk, as the sun can be somewhat damaging to my pale complexion, and do not expect me past sunrise. I generally begin moaning in pain about two hours before dawn. (This is my “happy time” and should NOT be interfered with. Any interference will be met with swift punishment. I.E.: My rage will be unleashed.)
7. Lastly, do not touch my axe or my crown, or my rage will be mighty, indeed (and unleashed).

If you obtain this position, what do you think needs to be accomplished in the first twelve months to make this new organization a success?

My department will run at peak efficiency on very little rest and little or no food. Whippings will be applied to anyone dawdling, with punishment growing more severe with each transgression. So long as an ample supply of replacement minions (for those I have slain) is provided, my department will complete any mission we accept. I give my personal guarantee that within twelve months, this operation will be forced into submission with no patience for slackers and extreme malice for those who interfere with our operations.

Tell us why you want to obtain this position?

I am bored with my kingdom and am looking to expand. Would like to have a house in a nice neighborhood, with lots of sidewalks. And a playground. This will be provided by my employer, along with plenty of ale and grub. In time, I may bore of this position and take over the company, if I do, I may slay anyone in my immediate path (it is therefore recommended that the company provide steady and rapid advancement in order that there may be few people between me and the top). Keep in mind that I may decide to implement this “hostile takeover” at any time, so anyone around me should be ever wary of that coming moment.

Lastly: My wrath is about to be unleashed. It is much worse than my rage.

BAH!

This turned out to be a story bone for me. I ended up writing a novella based on the guy I created for this application. It will, of course, never sell, because aside from being novella-length, it’s humorous fantasy, another hard sell. But I like it. Maybe I should just publish it here…Hmmm. Maybe I will.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: bone, fantasy, Fiction, hostile, humorous, Kahn, novella, rage, story, takeover, Vlad, wrath

Whatever happened to the novella as a form of prose? Many of the greatest stories of all time were written in the 20k - 50k word range. Stories like The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and A River Runs Through It. There are countless others, but it seems the publishing world in general is intent on not publishing any novelettes or novellas. And this is particularly frustrating to me because all of my best work seems to be in novella word-count range.

I know: there’s no money in novellas for the publishing houses. If they can’t get 90k words or more they don’t want it. And short fiction had best not be written any longer than 5k if you want any decent shot at getting it out there. But there’s something about a thin book that I can carry comfortably in my back pocket and read in a couple of days that’s immensely appealing to me. But then the whole publishing industry seems to have veered starkly away from the middle class: there are the haves, of course, and the have nots, but there are rarely any have a littles or comfortably just getting bys. And of course this goes right back to the root of the publishing problem today: fewer and fewer people read any more. More and more it seems the only folks who read are those who are also either writers or who want to be. It seems to me a grand idea to put a wire rack back in the quick stop and stock it with pulp novellas, but then, I guess those would just sit there until the one or two of us who actually like to read them would buy them. Same goes for comic books. More and more, if you want a book, you have to visit Amazon or one of the huge booksellers, because the little bookstores are out of business now, and the selection at the drugstores and grocers are simply awful if you’re into anything other than romance.

I wish the novella format would make a return; just put them out there in pulp paperbacks and see if people won’t give them a try. I would, and that’s not just because I write them. Some of the best reads I’ve ever had were in novella format.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Fiction, novella, novellette, stories, writers, writing

John Scalzi and Subterranean Press has released Scalzi’s novella The Sagan Diaries (12,500 words) on the internet as a free read and/or download.

The Sagan Diaries falls in between Old Man’s War and The Ghost Brigades, and is highly recommended.

They’re also releasing a 500-copy limited edition of You’re Not Fooling Anyone When You Take Your Laptop into a Coffeeshop, a book on writing from Scalzi, a full-time writer since 1991. It’s $35, but it comes signed and touted as a very attractive book. (I bought one of them :-)

If you don’t know who John Scalzi is, here’s the bio quip from the Subterranean website:

John Scalzi is author of Old Man’s War (which Publishers Weekly described as a “virtuoso debut” in a starred review) and other novels, as well as the author of the bestselling “Book of the Dumb” series of humor books. He’s also the proprietor of The Whatever, one of the most-visited personal Web sites on the Web. A full-time writer since 1991, Scalzi currently resides in rural America with his family and big fat Internet pipe to keep him busy. Visit him at www.scalzi.com.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Coffeeshop, Diaries, John Scalzi, novella, Sagan, Subterranean, Whatever