Unabashed

Most movies have one. Without the mentor (oracle, sage, priest, confidant), the hero wouldn’t be able to get their shoes tied, much less punch their way through a buried coffin. Here’s a list of some of the best movie mentors of all time:

The non-Star Wars Top 5:

Pai Mei
Kill Bill, Vol. 2, 2004 

Pai Mei is easily the nearest thing to evil on the list, and if it weren’t for all the evil he’d have ranked much higher. He’s a White Lotus priest, very wise, very knowledgeable, but he’s also a misoginyst and a racist. And he gets pissed when he nods to someone and the complement isn’t returned. But he did teach Beatrix the Five-Pointed Palm Exploding Heart technique she would eventually use to kill Bill, which evens out things a bit. Pai Mei’s been in more movies than just Kill Bill, too. He’s based on the historical figure who founded the Bak Mei fighting technique.   

Wise words: “It’s the wood that should fear your hand, not the other way around. No wonder you can’t do it, you acquiesce to defeat before you even begin.”

Mr. Miyagi
Karate Kid, 1984

You know the line by rote: “Wax on, wax off.” Everyone does. Because Mr. Miyagi brought kung fu to the suburbs and made it cool. It was Ralph Macchio that made it lame (this wasn’t the only movie he did that to. How can you possibly make the blues lame?). Kids all over America were wishing an old guy from the Far East would move to their neighborhood after watching Karate Kid. All I found was Sam the scrap metal guy, but he taught me how to use a bow staff and sais pretty well.

Wise words: “Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.”

Rafiki
Lion King, 1994

“Asante san, a squashed banana, wewe nugu, mimi apana.” Loosely translated (according to Disney) from Swahili, the song Rafiki sings when he finds long-lost Simba: “Thank you very much. A squashed banana. You are a baboon and I am not.” Masterfully voiced by Robert guillaume, Rafiki leads Simba back to his Pride and to his rightful place as king of the Pridelands, without ever telling him that was that he was going to. He just planted the suggestion and let Simba make up his own mind. Oh, and he kicks a little hyena butt in the process. 

Wise words: “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.”

Morpheus
The Matrix, 1999

In the end, Morpheus was right. Neo was the one. All he had to do was teach Neo to live outside of the Matrix, which he did, with lessons built within the construct. In a way, everyone wants to take the red pill, just to see what more there is. Neo is the embodiment of all the nerd dreams of all time, that there is more to life than this, that they can come out of their darkened rooms, wan and disheveled, and be a savior to mankind. That behind the scenes, they are just as significant as the popular kids. It’s a message a lot of kids took to heart. The Matrix taught relevance to the nerd nation.

Wise words: “Neo, sooner or later you’re going to realize just as I did that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

Chiun
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, 1985

Teaching the arts of the House of Sinanju, Chiun is often funny and always critical. He loves soap operas, which he considers America’s finest contribution to the arts. He’s critical of the red meat Americans eat. He tells Remo that he “moves like a pregnant yak.”  More wise words from Chiun:

“I can say ‘rat droppings.’ That does not mean I want to eat them.”

“Breathe out… slowly… do not gulp. If you do not breathe correctly, you do not move correctly. Pitiful. I can see the deadly hamburger has done its evil work.”

“The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss.”

“Professional assassination. It’s the highest form of public service.”  

The Star Wars clutch:

Obi-Wan Kenobi
Star Wars, 1976

Introduced mysteriously as “Crazy old Ben” who lived in the desert, Obi-Wan, played by the then venerable Sir Alec Guinness, gave Luke what every SciFi-loving kid wanted in the seventies: A lightsaber, a cause, and a ticket to outer space. Guinness lenta thespian’s hand to a genre that had up to that point been dominated mostly by B-list actors. There’s no kendo swordfighting art in his method, but he teaches Luke to feel the Force, to trust in it, and let it guide him, right before he sacrifices himself to Vader, his one-time pupil. Who was the better Obi-Wan, Alec or Ewan? I think most people would say they both played the character well. I would.

Wise words: “Who’s the more foolish: The fool, or the fool who follows him?”

Yoda
The Empire Strikes Back, 1980

In the first three Star Wars films, Yoda was the wise-old sage and nothing more. He could teach things, but he looked all but crippled with his tattered little robes, wobbling around on his wee little cane. But that was before Attack of the Clones came out, where we saw Yoda stagger into a room to confront Dooku, and then start wheeling around the room, flipping and twirling with his little green lightsaber spinning an arc like a lightning bolt. Yoda became significant in that moment, much more than he’d ever been before.

Wise words: “Do or do not… there is no try.”

Qui-Gon Jinn
Star Wars Episode I, 1999

Possibly the greatest Jedi master of them all. Sure, Darth Maul ran him through, but Qui-Gonn added a lot of soul to the Jedi master class. I imagine Qui-Gon as being the field tech who never had a taste for being a supervisor and stayed in the field his entire career. He could have been in the Council, but he chose to keep training the padawan Jedi of the future. Leave it to Liam Neeson to play a mentor on this list, too; he’s played this kind of role before… (Batman Begins, Gangs of New York, Kingdom of Heaven) and done well with them all.

Wise words: “Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel, don’t think. Trust your instincts.”

This is an open list; if I missed any who need to be included, let me know.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: bill, chiun, gon, jinn, karati, kenobi, kid, kill, king, lion, matrix, mei, mentor, mentors, morpheus, movie, myagi, obi, pai, qui, Quotes, rafiki, wan, wisdom, yoda

Iron Man told a great story, had plenty of plot, great acting, only a couple of moments of significant cheese…all the things that make a great movie. But, ultimately, I’ll remember it most for what it failed to do, for the dearth of Iron Man himself. It’s a problem a lot of movies have: how to tell the story, and still incorporate all the action the audience wants to see. I remember the first time I saw Beetlejuice, I thought the same thing: this could have been a good movie if there’d been more Beetlejuice. Same with the first Hulk movie. The list goes on and on of movies that were good–don’t get me wrong, I did like Iron Man–but didn’t quite quench the thirst for more. Maybe that’s the plan, to give audiences just enough to make them want more, to better guarantee the sequel and–the Holy Grail of Hollywood–the franchise. Iron Man will undoubtedly become a franchise. There’s way too much potential here for there not to be, and I believe everyone will love it. I did, I just wish there’d been more Iron Man in Iron Man. 

This, I hope, won’t be a problem in Iron Man Two. All the setup is done now, and the movie can start with ol’ Iron Head patrolling the skies above Stark Industries. Who’ll be the bad guy in the sequel? Who knows. Iron Man doesn’t have a very good rogues gallery. His arch enemy was Mandarin, which could be very cool if done well.

Here’s another little problem with the movie: They gave too much away in teasers. You can barely go through five minutes of film time before you see another moment you’ve already seen in the various teaser trailers on YouTube. The entire first fifteen minutes of the movie is summed up in teaser trailers. There is nothing new to learn by watching the movie. I think they could have sold the movie just fine with the one scene of Iron Man falling from the sky into a crater, and then ascending, menacingly, to fire repulsors at bad guys. End. Follow the Cloverfield example; simplicity really can work very well when done right.

Overall there were maybe five or six repulsor blasts in the entire movie. This is a problem. They added a very cool little pulsing sound effect to the repulsor blasts, but then barely used them the entire movie. Oh, and when it came time to fight the bad guy at the end…well, some things are best left unsaid, right?

Overall it was a great movie. My only gripe is very simple: I wanted a movie my 3-year old would sit through (once the DVD comes out). Unfortunately, there are only about ten total minutes of this film that my son will care about seeing. And those were my favorite moments, too. I wish the entire movie had been like those ten minutes. Will I watch it again? Will I buy the DVD? Hell yes. In BlueRay. Because those ten minutes I was just talking about? They freaking rock. And the rest ain’t bad at all.

Where does Iron Man fit into the pantheon of super hero movies? I’m still working on that list; in the meantime, go check out Iron Man, just don’t take your three-year old.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Comics, hero, Invincible, Iron Man, marvel, movie, super

**Spoiler Alert** 

Something I’ve been thinking about lately: SciFi movies, more of them, please? Oh, and try and make them better, k? Here’s an idea: Old Man’s War, by John Scalzi, a book that is utterly primed for adaptation, and I don’t even see much of a way for them to ruin it. Look at the Hollywood history of putting the wrong actors in roles; the list is as long as the list of movies themselves. I’ve commented before that Rachael Taylor was an utter flop as IT genius Maggie Madsen, as well as a host of others. I’ll add to the list Halle Berry; she’s just too damned pretty to be Storm. Rebecca Romijn, she of the amazing body, who was perfect as Mystique in the X-Men series, but was a total bust (no pun intended) in The Punisher. The problem is that often Hollywood casts people that are too pretty for roles in which obviously less-pretty people belong. Such is the case with Maggie Madsen, and the same is true for Romijn’s Joan in The Punisher. But the reason she was perfect for Mystique is also the reason she–or any overly-pretty actor–would be an ideal fit for OMW the Movie. In OMW Scalzi has already craftily eliminated the problem of the exceedingly-pretty, not-believable-as-a-person actor, because everyone recruited into the Colonial Military is given a new and improved, genetically enhanced body that, while it retains the donor’s DNA and general appearance, is made much more physically appealing. The point being, you could cast the hottest people in Hollywood for the roles in OMW, ugly them down for the first thirty minutes of the film, and then just paint them green and give them cat’s eyes.

I’ll add that, like most people, I’ve read OMW’s one-star reviews and, frankly, I don’t understand it. It’s a testament to the fact that people just don’t like the same material, no matter what. In my opinion, OMW is easily the best SF book of the past ten years (at least of the ones I’ve read. And that includes all of Charlie Stross’s books, which I love also, but which aren’t quite as good as OMW). I just don’t get it.

Anyway, here’s my suggestion for the casting of OMW: the Movie:

• John Perry - Brad Pitt
• Jane Sagan - Rebecca Romijn
• Somebody else - Will Smith
• Somebody else - Orlando Bloom
• Somebody else - Charlize Theron
• Somebody else - Clive Owen
• Somebody else - Ken Watanabe

There, that ought to get them started.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Fiction, John Scalzi, movie, Old Man's War, OMW, Rebecca, Romijn, Science, scifi

Date night Sunday night found my wife and I at the megaplex watching Cloverfield. First reaction: meh. But as I’ve thought about it a bit more I’m finding myself wondering more about it. I never got personally involved with the characters. I didn’t connect with them, and as such, the story fell a bit limp as I was watching. But the monster was pretty cool, and that’s where my interest piqued.

***Spoiler alert! Stop reading if you don’t want details***

The monster had sort of a Predator face. I wanted more opportunity to analyze the monster, but you don’t get that chance. What you end up with is an image in your mind put together from the many bits from various screen shots. Even the full-view shots were vague. I can’t tell you how many legs it had; it seems to me it had really long forelegs, and really short rear legs, along with something I caught a glimpse of which might have been a horse’s hoof, or a penis or a mustache. I jest, but it’s really that convoluted. It was hard to get a real vivid image, and hard to build an image in your mind for what it actually looked like. I wanted to see how it moved, how it demolished the buildings, what it was doing and why it was here. I wanted more “why,” but there was no why. There was only speculation from the group of people who were caught up in the middle of it.

There were these spider things falling off the big monster and biting people, and evidently if you were unlucky enough to get bitten you would, within an hour or so, pop like you were a tomato with a firecracker in it. Seeing those things trying to eat people but not seeing the big one do anything other than smash a few buildings made me think that this big monster was just trying to figure out where it was, and that it had a bad case of lice. Maybe all the buildings were just getting smashed because it was trying to scratch that unreachable itch caused by these little bug things, which were really, really lame. At one point three of them descend upon our group of main characters, who just kick them a few times to death. They really didn’t look like that much of a threat, once you got past their appearance. So this big monster is plagued with a batch of lice, and is trying to get someone to give him a good scratch, and in the process, destroys Manhattan.

The ending, a sort of “I died” moment, left me very, very flat. I wanted to know where the monster was, what happened to Manhattan, and if more of these creatures had emerged in other cities. Did it come from outer space, or the sea? But those questions won’t get answered, and in the end all you get is a personal account of the attack from a group of people who die at the end. If you piece together the bits you get along the way, you’ll hear someone in a newscast early in the picture talking about a Japanese satellite that falls from orbit. Then, near the end of the film, you see a kind of flashback in which a couple is at Coney Island and you see a splash in the water nearby as something really big falls from the sky. The theory is, this satellite fell and woke the monster up.

One of my other big problems with this movie was the absolute invulnerability of the monster. There was one scene where a Stealth Bomber dropped what I presume to be thousand-pound bombs, which raked the monster across its back. It staggers, and then jumps up and keeps right on going. A single thousand-pound bomb would make a crater of a small town, and this thing suffered direct hits from multiple bombs. I know, it has a shell-like back and really thick skin. Yeah. So? I can understand bullets having no effect; you’ve got to have an awfully big gun to penetrate rhino or elephant hide, so that’s completely believable. And, since it’s so big, I can even believe that the tank shells aren’t doing any damage. But there comes a point where it’s just crazy: you’re telling me that armor-piercing, laser-guided bombs that will penetrate ten feet of battleship steel won’t even give it a little cut? That thing should have been bleeding, trailing it’s mile-long guts. But at the end of the movie it looked as fresh as if it had just sprung from the sea.

Overall it was an enjoyable flick, but there wasn’t any resolution and that always perturbs me, and I can’t, can’t, can’t believe we couldn’t even give it a little nick with all the might of the military hitting it full bore. Cloverfield, for all its plusses, suffers big time from these two little negatives.

And now, two things:

1. They’re talking about a sequel, which would be great, because I don’t think this movie is a stand-alone. It needs a sequel. I want a sequel. Especially if it give a bit more understanding of the events and the monster itself.
2. Evidently there’s something that happens after the credits run. Which sucks, because I was just ready to get on the road and left during the credits. I know they want you to watch the credits, but it really pisses me off when they add integral storyline stuff after them. The movie is over, you had your shot, now let it die. I guess I’m supposed to sit and watch the credits for every movie I see, right through to the point where it goes to static. I’m not that patient. I don’t care who the frigging costume designer was, or the main grip, key grip, fluffer or caterer. I. Don’t. Care. Now I find out there might be something integral after the credits that might be of interest to me. It’s very possible I’m pissed enough to skip the sequel, if there ever is one, because this makes me feel like you’re pulling one over on me. Bugger.

Lastly, I’ve looked at a lot of pics on the web trying to find one that most looks like the monster. This is the closest I’ve seen so far. Although, as I stated, the face looks more like the Predator (those red sacs on the side of its head swell like a balloon):

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Cloverfield, clovie, giant, monster, movie