bone » Unabashed

Jun 05

Vlad Kahn Application

Recently (a corporation) decided to hire (a departmental manager) and sent out three questions to prospective hires. One of the questionaires fell into my hands, so I filled it out and returned it using the name Vlad Kahn. Would you hire me?

Please list your top 3-5 strengths that will make you a strong candidate for this position.

I am a merciless director. I lead by example. My example is rage.

I demand the utmost discipline from my employees (henceforth referred to as “subjects” or “minions”) and will tolerate no insolence. Insolence is a sure way to cause my rage to be unleashed.

I am prone to fits of rage. For example, if I am not invited to interview for this position, my rage will be unleashed. Likewise, if I am not chosen for this position, my rage will be unleashed (I am prone to “get medieval”). I have chosen this company because I see potential for advancement, and I like the neighborhood. The coffee shop near the escalator is a nice touch. They should sell muffins.

BAH! (–I have unleashed my rage)

Satisfying my appetite for blood (henceforth referred to as “bloodlust”) each day when I arrive at work is a practice that should NOT be interfered with. Any interference will be met with a severe penalty. I.E.: My rage will be unleashed.

Do not expect me before dusk, as the sun can be somewhat damaging to my pale complexion, and do not expect me past sunrise. I generally begin moaning in pain about two hours before dawn. (This is my “happy time” and should NOT be interfered with. Any interference will be met with swift punishment. I.E.: My rage will be unleashed.)

Lastly, do not touch my axe or my crown, or my rage will be mighty, indeed (and unleashed).

If you obtain this position, what do you think needs to be accomplished in the first twelve months to make this new organization a success?

My department will run at peak efficiency on very little rest and little or no food. Whippings will be applied to anyone dawdling, with punishment growing more severe with each transgression. So long as an ample supply of replacement minions (for those I have slain) is provided, my department will complete any mission we accept. I give my personal guarantee that within twelve months, this operation will be forced into submission with no patience for slackers and extreme malice for those who interfere with our operations.

Tell us why you want to obtain this position?

I am bored with my kingdom and am looking to expand. Would like to have a house in a nice neighborhood, with lots of sidewalks. And a playground. This will be provided by my employer, along with plenty of ale and grub. In time, I may bore of this position and take over the company, if I do, I may slay anyone in my immediate path (it is therefore recommended that the company provide steady and rapid advancement in order that there may be few people between me and the top). Keep in mind that I may decide to implement this “hostile takeover” at any time, so anyone around me should be ever wary of that coming moment.

Lastly: My wrath is about to be unleashed. It is much worse than my rage.

BAH!

This turned out to be a story bone for me. I ended up writing a novella based on the guy I created for this application. It will, of course, never sell, because aside from being novella-length, it’s humorous fantasy, another hard sell. But I like it. Maybe I should just publish it here…Hmmm. Maybe I will.