May 19

Most movies have one. Without the mentor (oracle, sage, priest, confidant), the hero wouldn’t be able to get their shoes tied, much less punch their way through a buried coffin. Here’s a list of some of the best movie mentors of all time:

The non-Star Wars Top 5:

Pai MeiPai Mei
Kill Bill, Vol. 2, 2004 

Pai Mei is easily the nearest thing to evil on the list, and if it weren’t for all the evil he’d have ranked much higher. He’s a White Lotus priest, very wise, very knowledgeable, but he’s also a misoginyst and a racist. And he gets pissed when he nods to someone and the complement isn’t returned. But he did teach Beatrix the Five-Pointed Palm Exploding Heart technique she would eventually use to kill Bill, which evens out things a bit. Pai Mei’s been in more movies than just Kill Bill, too. He’s based on the historical figure who founded the Bak Mei fighting technique.   

Wise words: “It’s the wood that should fear your hand, not the other way around. No wonder you can’t do it, you acquiesce to defeat before you even begin.”

Mr. MiyagiMr. Miyagi
Karate Kid, 1984

You know the line by rote: “Wax on, wax off.” Everyone does. Because Mr. Miyagi brought kung fu to the suburbs and made it cool. It was Ralph Macchio that made it lame (this wasn’t the only movie he did that to. How can you possibly make the blues lame?). Kids all over America were wishing an old guy from the Far East would move to their neighborhood after watching Karate Kid. All I found was Sam the scrap metal guy, but he taught me how to use a bow staff and sais pretty well.

Wise words: “Man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.”

RafikiRafiki
Lion King, 1994

“Asante san, a squashed banana, wewe nugu, mimi apana.” Loosely translated (according to Disney) from Swahili, the song Rafiki sings when he finds long-lost Simba: “Thank you very much. A squashed banana. You are a baboon and I am not.” Masterfully voiced by Robert guillaume, Rafiki leads Simba back to his Pride and to his rightful place as king of the Pridelands, without ever telling him that was that he was going to. He just planted the suggestion and let Simba make up his own mind. Oh, and he kicks a little hyena butt in the process. 

Wise words: “Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or… learn from it.”

MorpheusMorpheus
The Matrix, 1999

In the end, Morpheus was right. Neo was the one. All he had to do was teach Neo to live outside of the Matrix, which he did, with lessons built within the construct. In a way, everyone wants to take the red pill, just to see what more there is. Neo is the embodiment of all the nerd dreams of all time, that there is more to life than this, that they can come out of their darkened rooms, wan and disheveled, and be a savior to mankind. That behind the scenes, they are just as significant as the popular kids. It’s a message a lot of kids took to heart. The Matrix taught relevance to the nerd nation.

Wise words: “Neo, sooner or later you’re going to realize just as I did that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”

ChiunChiun
Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins, 1985

Teaching the arts of the House of Sinanju, Chiun is often funny and always critical. He loves soap operas, which he considers America’s finest contribution to the arts. He’s critical of the red meat Americans eat. He tells Remo that he “moves like a pregnant yak.”  More wise words from Chiun:

“I can say ‘rat droppings.’ That does not mean I want to eat them.”

“Breathe out… slowly… do not gulp. If you do not breathe correctly, you do not move correctly. Pitiful. I can see the deadly hamburger has done its evil work.”

“The trained mind does not need a watch. Watches are a confidence trick invented by the Swiss.”

“Professional assassination. It’s the highest form of public service.”  

The Star Wars clutch:

Obi-Wan KenobiObi-Wan Kenobi
Star Wars, 1976

Introduced mysteriously as “Crazy old Ben” who lived in the desert, Obi-Wan, played by the then venerable Sir Alec Guinness, gave Luke what every SciFi-loving kid wanted in the seventies: A lightsaber, a cause, and a ticket to outer space. Guinness lenta thespian’s hand to a genre that had up to that point been dominated mostly by B-list actors. There’s no kendo swordfighting art in his method, but he teaches Luke to feel the Force, to trust in it, and let it guide him, right before he sacrifices himself to Vader, his one-time pupil. Who was the better Obi-Wan, Alec or Ewan? I think most people would say they both played the character well. I would.

Wise words: “Who’s the more foolish: The fool, or the fool who follows him?”

YodaYoda
The Empire Strikes Back, 1980

In the first three Star Wars films, Yoda was the wise-old sage and nothing more. He could teach things, but he looked all but crippled with his tattered little robes, wobbling around on his wee little cane. But that was before Attack of the Clones came out, where we saw Yoda stagger into a room to confront Dooku, and then start wheeling around the room, flipping and twirling with his little green lightsaber spinning an arc like a lightning bolt. Yoda became significant in that moment, much more than he’d ever been before.

Wise words: “Do or do not… there is no try.”

Qui-Gon JinnQui-Gon Jinn
Star Wars Episode I, 1999

Possibly the greatest Jedi master of them all. Sure, Darth Maul ran him through, but Qui-Gonn added a lot of soul to the Jedi master class. I imagine Qui-Gon as being the field tech who never had a taste for being a supervisor and stayed in the field his entire career. He could have been in the Council, but he chose to keep training the padawan Jedi of the future. Leave it to Liam Neeson to play a mentor on this list, too; he’s played this kind of role before… (Batman Begins, Gangs of New York, Kingdom of Heaven) and done well with them all.

Wise words: “Remember, concentrate on the moment. Feel, don’t think. Trust your instincts.”

This is an open list; if I missed any who need to be included, let me know.

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Oct 07

From Caitlin Kittredge:

  • Ghosts are afraid of shotguns, but don’t ask why.
  • Creatures are much scarier when they arrive without exposition.
  • There’s nothing scarier than a haunted prison.
  • Except creepy little girl-ghosts.
  • Having a group of psychics throw down with their minds is always a good idea.
  • Non-Judeo-Christian monsters are wayyy creepier.
  • Urban legends can still be fresh
  • Alternate lives that are even crappier than your real life?  Hilarious.
  • Samuel Colt was a badass.
  • POV means everything.
  • Don’t be afraid to kill all your favorite characters.

Caitlin is an author (now published) who writes a brand of fiction I’m not particularly interested in, but her blog is at times entertaining and sometimes she comes up with little bits like the list above which are priceless.

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Mar 05

In my search for knowledge of FTL travel, hyperspace and all things geek, I found this top 10 Movie Spaceships page (and I do love me some top 10 lists), via SpecFic on Blogspot. Being a Douglas Adams fan I would have put the Heart of Gold higher, and I don’t think I would have put Alien’s Nostromo on the list at all: intergalactic tug boats need not apply, even though the name (Nostromo) is very cool. In my view, if you put in Nostromo you’d have to include Serenity as well, at least in a tie (I might put in both of them at no.10 now that I think of it). I don’t like Apollo 13 being there either, just for the simple fact that Ap13 wasn’t exactly capable of an extended trip. It barely made it back from the short run it took. I like the addition of the Independence Day mothership, but can’t believe the Death Star was left off the list. These would be my top picks:

10. Nostromo/Serenity
9. Romulan Warbird (Chosen over the more-recognizable Klingon Bird of Prey. Just personal preference, I guess)
8. Alien Mothership from Close Encounters of the Third Kind
7. Tie: Cylon Raider from the original Battlestar Galactica (I know it’s not a movie; sue me) and Tie Fighter from Star Wars (esp. Darth Vader’s kick-ass pimped-out version)
6. Independance Day Mothership — Big. Scary. Lots of firepower, lots of defences; like the Deathstar, however, one significant oversight.
5. Heart of Gold — Two words: Improbability Drive
4. Death Star — The biggest and the baddest, with one slight overlooked weakness.
3. USS Enterprise — Not much needs to be said about starship Enterprise that hasn’t been said already.
2. Tie: Colonial Viper from Battlestar Galactica and X-Wing Fighter.
1. Millennium Falcon — A space cowboy’s wet dream; famously makes the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs.

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