*Blog entry disclaimer: Before you read this, please note that this entry was written with a sincere fondness for the people it involves. I poke fun, but only with spirit of genuine light-hearted good nature. And: This may not be funny at all if you’ve never seen the “Strike” episode of Seinfeld (1997) in which Festivus is one of the center topics. Please refer to the 6-minute youtube video for education.
Happy Winter Solstice, from here on out the days get longer and longer (until the Summer Solstice, of course). And Sunday will give us another holiday to celebrate with the advent of Festivus! It’s a Festivus miracle! Festivus was of course popularized by Seinfeld, but, according to Wikipedia, it was invented by Reader’s Digest writer and editor Daniel O’Keefe, whose son was a writer for the Seinfeld show (He’s since written a book on the subject).
Here’s how to properly observe Festivus:
- You need a pole.
And that’s it! Now in honor of Festivus, we shall now have the airing of grievances, and, since some of my blogging buddies have been feeling down lately (hopefully this will cheer them up a little), those who most often comment on this blog are those against whom I will be airing my grievances. I know I’ve known all of you almost a whole month now, and purely through our blogs, but really, I feel like we’re all one big band of brothers. So let’s go out to the woodshed, shall we?
First up, Al Paul:
Al Paul, the man with two first names… No, wait, I can’t really use that as a grievance, I know a guy named Jim George. Hell, I know a guy named Homer Simpson whose wife’s name is Margie (swear to God), and another guy I work with is named Mike Gwin. Guess what his wife’s name is… come on. Guess. Okay, it’s Gwen! Yes, Gwen Gwin is her name. Anyway, back to grievancing Al. Al, my grievance with you stems from your propensity to copulate with power equipment. Don’t deny it, I know how much you love that snow blower. I just think you should ask before you touch, okay?
And now, Steve Buchheit:
Buchheit! My son tells me your company stinks! No, wait, that wasn’t my son, and that wasn’t your company. It’s really hard to build a grievance case against someone you’ve never seen before or spoken with or…but of course, I don’t know how to pronounce your last name! Yes, my grievance with you concerns trying to wrap my head around how to pronounce your last name. I must have ten different ways to pronounce it made up in my head: Buck-height? Buh-chite? Boo-heet? Additionally: You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if ya had a hot date with a ba… I lost my train of thought. Moving on!
The Mysterious Mr. w0pht:
Number three on my list of commenters who have never done anything to deserve being grievanced against is Mr. w0pht, if that is indeed your name. Yes, I know your real name very well, Mr. w0pht, and it’s a very convenient name for a website, isn’t it? I’ll bet you have no Google twin, do you, Mr. w0pht? Try to register any domain beginning with ‘Matt Mitchell’ and you’ll understand my grievance with you. I’m at least the twelve millionth Matt Mitchell on teh internets. But back to you, Mr. w0pht. It’s very convenient to be named w0pht almost too convenient, if you ask me. I don’t know of anyone else with a numeral as a part of their legal name. So, Mr. w0pht, ff that is indeed your name… Oh, it’s not? Oh. Well then. Ahem. Moving on!
Last but not least! Dave Klecha:
I’m really having trouble coming up with a grievance against Dave, because he blogs rarely and has amazingly… large… knees? No, I can’t really say that, I don’t know that to be true, even though it is rumored widely on the internet that all marines have knees that are phenomenally out of proportion with the rest of their bodies. Large knees and… blogs so rarely! Yes, he blogs much too rarely. My grievance against you, Dave, is that you blog much too rarely. You need to blog more often. And you have disproportionately large knees (rumored).
As for me, I’m sure the airing will be mighty indeed. If only you knew how rarely I brush my teeth. I’m kidding! I brush them at least once a week. Or at least I claim to.
Let the Airing of Grievances begin!!
Next up: Feats of Strength! Nobody leaves until Buccheit pins me! (You didn’t think I’d pick the Marine, did you? Steve, please tell me you’re not a Marine…)
