Unabashed

In a conversation today about science fiction movies, a person I was talking with challenged me on the “realism” in scifi movies. And of course I kind of had to shake my head. To me, scifi is realistic. It’s the modern action movie that’s traipsed over into the category of I-can-no-longer-suspend-my-disbelief-to-believe-this-is-possible.

SciFi movies are futuristic, meaning they take place in the future, meaning that a lot of the things that happen in them might actually be possible one day. But now let’s look at some modern-day action movies. You can pretty much name the lame at this point: XXX, The Fast and the Furious, or, here’s a good example: Charlie’s Angels. Are you telling me that’s a realistic representation of what three female cops look like, and that they can leap twenty feet into the air while dodging bullets, spinning, and then jettison themselves out a window and take out six armed, burly, lethal guards before ever touching the ground? It seems to me that futuristic SciFi is much more realistic than that. Case in point: Pitch Black. A space ship crash lands on an alien planet full of a particularly horrible breed of life that, given the planet’s situation, it makes perfect sense for them to have evolved into. Their ship requires fuel, their people rely on guns and sharp objects for self defense, they are easily cleaved by claws and seemingly delectable by the local dominant species. To me, I guess that all just makes perfect sense, given the fact that we can’t prove it wrong. Unfortunately, we can prove all too easily that Cameron Diaz cannot leap tall buildings in a single bound. Granted, she does look awfully cute dancing around in her panties, but…I’m losing focus here. You tell me, are SciFi movies more realistic than action movies?

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: action, charlie's angels, Movies, pitch black, science fiction, scifi, scific, vs

I was only there on Sunday, from 11AM to around 5PM, and I had a blast. I didn’t get to see any shows or presentations or author readings or contests or, well, anything at all, really. I walked around with my wife, Suzy, hopping between the four hotels and immersing myself in the event that the Con really is. There are a few photos I took at the end of this post.

In order to miss traffic (we were staying with family in Conyers), we drove to Indian Springs and hopped MARTA into Peachtree Station, which put us at ground zero for the event. We immediately began seeing people in costumes. Highlights follow:

• Met Cherie Priest, and got her autograph. Positively the high point of the Con. You may remember I interviewed her here a while back, and I can tell you now that I’ve met her that I’ve not met very many nicer people. She didn’t bring any books with her, so I couldn’t buy one, but she did sign my Dragon*Con program, and she chit-chatted with Suzy and I for a little while, and she even remembered my name :-) 
• (I was a little disappointed that Cherie wasn’t wearing her steampunk regalia, but still…I was just glad to have met her)
• Met John Scalzi, who was nice as well but you could kinda tell he was ready to hit the road for home, and I can’t say I blame him. He signed my copy of “You’re Not Fooling Anyone…”
• Bought a book of H.P. Lovecraft stories, because it’s been too long since I read any of them.
• Saw Lou Ferrigno, who was a lot taller than I thought he would be, for some reason. I mean, I knew he was BIG, but I didn’t know how big he really was, y’know? I stood right beside the Incredible Hulk.
• Among the other actors we saw: the captain from Firefly (who is also Captain Hammer now in Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog), Spike from Buffy (my wife swooned. She SWOONED!), and the little Asian dude from Big Trouble in Little China (who, I pointed out to my wife, was more famous–to me at least–for his classic performance in Seinfeld. Remember? “Seinfeld four!” Anyway…)
• I was surprised to see so many steampunk costumes. It seemed like steampunk was the second most popular genre there (next to Star Wars, of course). …Maybe I should point out that I’m thinking of putting together a little ensemble myself…nah, I’ll just keep that under my hat for the time being…er
• Evidently it’s a lot easier to come by a chain mail or steel mesh bikini top than I’d ever dreamed. I must have seen a dozen. I must say I think it’s a good look :-)
• Yes, of course I held Princess Leia’s slave chain. She made me. I had no choice. (See pic below)

Overall, I’d rate my experience an A+, and Suzy and I are seriously considering going for the whole event next year. These were my kinds of people, I think. It was my first event of this type, and I really didn’t know what to expect, but once I was there I just walked around in a daze, trying to absorb the reality of something so amazing. All those wonderful costumes, on people that–excuse me if I’m wrong here–are basically, generally, anti-social. But, wow, how they let down their guard when in costume. I’ve seen costumed people in tourist-trap towns (New Orleans), “living statues” and the like, who are quick to come to life if you dare consider taking their picture without boning up a dollar first. So I really didn’t know what to expect. My wife saw two girls she wanted me to take a picture of, so I turned on the camera and they stopped, posed, and smiled while I grabbed a shot. Then they continued on their way. I didn’t know if I was going to have to pull out a dollar or what, but no, of course I didn’t. And on it went, through the whole afternoon: “Mind if I take a picture?” And then they’d pose, and you’d know it’s a practiced pose, but they’re all so gracious and…well. You get the picture. I love these people. They’re my kinds of people. I would make friends with people like these. I am people like these. For everyone at Dragon*Con, thanks, you were great, and I enjoyed seeing every one of you.

Me and the princess:

Here was one of the best costumes of the day, a steampunk girl with copper-tube wings:

Can anyone tell me who this is supposed to be? This hat was so large she had to be led by the fairy ladybug girl and had to stop and bend over to get through doorways. She had a big sword in her hand, and the rest of the costume was basically a towel and a brown bra. I was a very well made hat, big, but well made. It actually looked like metal. I just don’t know what she’s supposed to be.

I think these two were really pirates. And not in a good, happy, or fun way. The bad way.

This Guy (I know you know who he is) came complete with sound effects:

That’s enough for now. I took a few others, but this is a good sampling. If I’d been there the whole weekend I think I could have taken a million pictures.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Atlanta, con, convention, dragon, dragoncon, pirate, Pirates, steampunk

Forget the AT&T Smartphone, I want a Sven! Anybody know of a good Sven service?

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDVGrzqf4go[/youtube]

written by Matt Mitchell

In the wake of the catastrophic failure of the worst television show in history (Cavemen), I have a thought on the subject of turning commercials into series’. Namely, I think the NFL Network’s “Joe’s Diner” commercials would make a great sitcom. I love ‘em, I think they’re well written, well acted, well directed…just give me the pilot already and slap it into NBC’s Thursday night lineup, right between The Office and 30 Rock. Push Earl back to Wednesday night–it’s a sometime decent show, but not a Thursday nighter. Sorry, Earl.

written by Matt Mitchell

I’m sure it says something about my nature, that my favorite series’ of books are the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, the Aubrey-Maturin books, and Lone Wolf and Cub. Maybe it’s just that I enjoy different varieties; I don’t know. What I do know is I find every book in each of these series’ imminently entertaining.

If you read my recent post, 10 Things I’ve Done That You Probably Haven’t, you’ll possibly have noticed that I mentioned that I’d read the Patrick O’Brian canon. Of the three series’, this one was the longest at 21 books. There are a few other notable books in his canon, but none that compare to Aubrey-Maturin. The naturalist in me respects and is in awe of Dr. Maturin. I’ve laughed at his nerdiness, been impressed by his boldness, and intimidated by his fearlessness. Captain “Lucky” Jack Aubrey is not nearly as sophisticated nor complex as his running mate, but is equally admirable. You can count on Aubrey to be resolute, defined, pragmatic and explosive when he needs to be.

Before the movie Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World came out, I was sure Jack Aubrey looked just like me. He’s described as being tall and weighing about 16 stone with blonde hair. Right now I’m about 15 stone, but I’m 6′3″ and, when I was reading the bulk of the series I was running along at about 16. But then the movie came out, and now Russell Crowe’s face is indelibly etched in my mind onto the head of Lucky Jack. Still, it’s fun to fantasize that I’m the fearless captain of the Surprise, barking orders, tasting the wind, and endlessly pacing the quarterdeck. The movie itself is decent, drawing from several of the books rather than attempting to follow the series. It’s obvious that this was a one-time shot and would be no Harry Potteresque attempt at recreating the series on the silver screen. It was fun to watch the sea battles. I crank up my home theater and revel in the excitement of full broadsides booming, shaking the windows. I’m not very enamored with the acting in the movie, but I’ll usually lay blame for poor acting on the director’s shoulders, especially when the movie has known good actors, as this one does. Paul Bettany doesn’t fit with my image of Maturin, who should be shorter than Bettany and … I don’t know. Different. But then I’m not a big Paul Bettany fan. So. The movie’s shortcomings I blame on the director.

Also, it’s one of those sets of books that can alter your perceptions. I.E.; I was raised on images of Americans running the Redcoats back across the ocean. The song Battle of New Orleans by Johnny Horton was one of my favorites as a kid, in which we “Caught the bloody British in the town of New Orleans” and sent them running. How much media is focused on Great Britain being the great evil? Movies like Braveheart and Quigley Down Under, as well as The Pirates of the Caribbean, where the Brits’ stuffy bureaucracy complements their ranking officers’ personal ambitions like nobody’s business.

Sure, it’s in our DNA: the majority of citizens of the US are descended from GB castoffs anyway, right? But James Bond did a lot towards allowing me to look upon the Mother country as something more than a bullying windbag. And now, finally, I can look at the face of England with the eye of a brother, wanting to forget the wrongs, glad we’re  friends. Frankly, I’ve visited the Olde Country, and I liked it. I like the people. I like the mood. Maybe I’m just an Anglo wondering about his roots, but in England I see the country that invented naval dominance and gave us Shakespeare, James Bond, Sherlock Holmes and Patrick O’Brian. And besides: it’s America who’s turned into the bully now, and frankly, that appalls me. I grew up with a Robin Hood mentality. I thought it was a-okay to steal from the rich, stuffy bastards to give to the poor needy folk. And now we are the rich, stuffy bastards, and unfortunately, we don’t quite carry that banner with the class that England did in her heyday.

For a dose of what was good about Great Britain when she was the big shark in the pond, read the Aubrey-Maturin series. You won’t regret it.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: America, Aubrey, bond, Britain, Great, Holmes, james, Maturin, O'Brian, Patrick, Shakespeare, Sherlock, UK

Every time I post something about the show No Reservations I get a deluge of comments and emails from vegetarians or animal-rights activists lambasting the show–and me–for insensitivity towards animals. Evidently in one commercial for the show there was a cow bleating, and people didn’t like that. Well, I didn’t see that commercial and I don’t know what episode that might have been from. It might have been in Chile, where there was a beef festival, which was approached with grim determination by Bourdain, who clearly did not enjoy, nor revel in, his visit. So here’s my problem: you haven’t seen the show, and you’re evaluating a man’s nature based on a 30 second commercial that some producer put together in a studio closet, and you’re even going so far as to condemn me because I happen to like the show. So, in response, I’ll give my defense, and then I’m going to get a little nasty.

The Defense

Okay, so he’s not a vegetarian apologist. Neither am I. And I don’t condone animal torture, either. For the record, I’ve seen no evidence of animal torture on the show no matter what some people might have seen in some commercial. The few instances where an animal was harvested for food on the show was documented with a somber atmosphere and the host normally gives a discourse about his unsettled feelings, going on to explain that they are documenting natural behaviors of a people from a different culture.

As for Bourdain’s defense (not that he needs one), here is an excerpt from an interview with Dave Weich:

Dave: Okay, about the lurid material…I promised our staff that I’d show you an email we received on Monday.

Bourdain: [He begins to read the printed copy] Mmmm… I read the review of his book, A Cook’s Tour, and was sickened and disgusted…vile…distasteful…most of all inhumane…Just reading the review made me sick….This is extreme animal cruelty…sadistic, inhumane…take care to keep a close eye on your beloved cat…

Oh, the poor ducks!

Dave: Do you get a lot of that?

Bourdain: A fair amount. Depending on what time of day you confront me with this question, I’m either accepting of it or not.

I’m not Ted Nugent. My house is run, essentially, by an adopted, fully clawed cat with a mean nature. I would never hunt. I would never wear fur. I would never go to a bullfight. I’m not really a meat and potatoes guy. But the world is a big place, and this sort of nonsense smacks of elitism, contempt, and fear and those are all things I struggle against.

To travel the world sneering at other cultures for whom a chicken is the difference between life and death…or for instance the pig slaughter in Portugal: however horrifying it was to me and it was horrifying this is a center of social and cultural life for a community dating back six hundred years. If some Birkenstock-wearing knucklehead driving around in a SUV and wearing sneakers someone was sold into slavery to make is sniffling about the poor animals, that person is clearly never going to experience the world. They can live in their plastic bubble and reinforce their deeply held, and I’m sure earnest beliefs, but they’re missing the full length and breadth of the human condition.

I don’t like to see animals in pain. That was very uncomfortable to me. I don’t like factory farming. I’m not an advocate for the meat industry. But having traveled all over the world, the most heartbreaking moments for me were in poor cultures where people had nothing. To kill a chicken or a turkey and spend nine hours cooking, working so hard to be good hosts and show me a slice of their culture…I like them a hell of a lot more than this person.

Dave: The pig slaughter, I thought, was one of the best-written passages in the book. It completely transcends food writing; it’s literature about a culture. You describe your horror while the Portuguese women and children stand watching as if what’s going on were the most normal thing in the world. Which to some extent, in their lives, it is.

Bourdain: Listen, I deserved to be horrified. I was culpable in that animal’s death; it was fattened for me. But I am culpable in an animal’s death every time I pick up the phone. For twenty-eight years I’ve been picking up the phone and ordering meat, and like most of us I had absolutely no connection to where food comes from. In the last year, I’ve seen where food comes from, and it is not always pretty.

Understand, when you eat meat, that something did die. You have an obligation to value it not just the sirloin but also all those wonderful tough little bits.

The Nasty Bit

If you don’t want to watch the show, fine; I personally have no illusions about where my veal cutlet comes from, or how my steak was harvested, and I’m not going to apologize for being a carnivorous animal myself. Based on the responses I’ve seen to my posts about the show, I’m leaning toward agreeing with Bourdain’s assessment of vegan culture based on this quote from his book, Kitchen Confidential:

Vegetarians, and their Hezbollah-like splinter faction, the vegans, are a persistent irritant to any chef worth a damn. To me, life without veal stock, pork fat, sausage, organ meat, demi-glace, or even stinky cheese is a life not worth living. Vegetarians are the enemy of everything good and decent in the human spirit, and an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food. The body, these waterheads imagine, is a temple that should not be polluted by animal protein. It’s healthier, they insist, though every vegetarian waiter I’ve worked with is brought down by any rumor of a cold. Oh, I’ll accommodate them, I’ll rummage around for something to feed them, for a “vegetarian plate”, if called on to do so. Fourteen dollars for a few slices of grilled eggplant and zucchini suits my food cost fine.

The simple fact is that yes, there have been times on the show where an animal was harvested. Yes, they killed the animal, and then they ate it. They did not torture it. The business was grim and then it was done and what it meant was a family got to eat for a week. They got to survive. For you who sit in your air conditioned pimp pad and order Meat Lovers from Pizza Hut and scour the internet for a cause, for something to add spice to your dull, boring life, you would do well to remember that there are still people in the world who have to labor to live, who don’t have it so easy, who raise their food with care and patience because they’ll starve to death if they don’t.

So, if you don’t like the show, fine. I can live with that. But I’m through approving comments from people who live in this delusional little princess-strewn world and think that the indiginous people who still live in it should buy their meat pre-processed from the super Wal-Mart. In the world of blog commenting, consider my disapproval of your comment a formal slap to the jaws.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Anthony, Bourdain, carnivore, carnivorous, meat, no reservations, vegan, vegetarian

This is a great series of games, of which I have owned almost (if not) every version that’s been released. But there always seems to be something getting in the way of my full enjoyment of the games, so I thought I might write a bit about what’s wrong with them in the hopes that the EA folks might happen by here one day and possibly consider making a few modifications to the next release version.

First, the good, and there’s a lot of good. This game is consistently my favorite and most-played game. These are some of the main points, but rest assured gameplay is fantastic:

1. ’08’s front room (or main screen, or front screen) is a vast improvement over many of the previous versions.’(The Gameday crew of the ‘07 version on the game lead-in screen was absolutely laughable and horrendous and I’m glad they dropped it. It wasn’t all that bad an idea, but the application was just bad.)
2. I love being able to set my own schedule. Trading UL Monroe for USC or Michigan or Clemson or West Virginia is a treat and a great feature.
3. The stadiums look great. The field looks great. The players look great. Visually this game is awesome. Sometimes the shadows are tough (try playing OSU at home wearing the black uniforms on a day game. You can’t see the players on the shadowy portion of the field) and often the crowds and the sidelines look ridiculous. It would be nice if they gave a bit more effort to the sidelines, made them look more realistic.
4. Thank God they changed the kickoff difficulty. It was outrageous that a kickoff or punt was so extremely hard in previous versions when the difficulty setting was Heisman. It should be no more difficult to kick a field goal, from a controller perspective, on Heisman as on Freshman. So thanks for changing that.

And now, the bad:

1. The playbook design option is great, if only it worked. I spent a lot of time designing my own playbook and then found that, once I’d saved it, I couldn’t access it. I couldn’t choose it to use during a game. This was infuriating.
2. It takes no less than six option screens to get from the main page to your saved Dynasty screen, and then another three or four to get to play a game. There’s got to be a better way. Why do you have to choose the file, okay the load, then choose the file and okay the load again? The repetition is infuriating every time I load my Dynasty. Put a link to saved files on the main screen so we can click straight in for cripe’s sake.
3. I’ve never been able to create a recruit and actually recruit him to my team. There should be an option for ‘Recruit normally’ and ‘Recruit to my team.’ Yes, this would be an easy way for someone who has a Dynasty to fill a void, or multiple voids, with great players, but it’s a game and I want to be able to do that. Otherwise the ‘create a recruit’ is a big, fat, stupid waste of time.
4. Different difficulty levels. I want to be able to score points, but at the same time I want to play in competitive games. This is almost impossible with a single difficulty level. They somewhat managed this by allowing you to change difficulty settings during the game, something you used to be penalized for in the game, but it would be much easier and nicer if I could set my offense to ‘Varsity’ and my defense to ‘All-American’ or something like that. I like that I can change the user and the CPU’s difficulty settings individually, but I would like to be able to do that with the overall difficulty setting as well. a. If my gameplay is advanced enough to compete at the Heisman difficulty setting, I want to be able to do that and still be able to recruit enough quality players to keep my Dynasty going. Give me a different difficulty setting for recruiting that from the game portion, and if I set it to ‘Freshman’ then my team should by God be the number one recruiting class every time.
5. Recruiting is too difficult and too convoluted, which is fine for some folks. Sometimes I want to spend time looking at recruits and analyzing them, but usually I just want to play the games. Give us an auto-recruit feature so we can pick which one we’ll do, and if my difficulty is set to Freshman my team should by God be the number one recruiting class every time.
6. Each year there should be an amazing recruit with mad skillz in the recruiting pool, but usually there isn’t. He should be a stand-out super recruit, and if my difficulty is set to freshman my team should by God be able to recruit him. Period.
7. It’s just irritating to spend recruiting time asking a recruit who wants to go pro to stay another year. Worse, when the answer is, “I don’t know coach. I’m undecided.” And you have to do it over again. And sometimes for a third or fourth time. Sure, it might work that way in real life, but this is a game. Give me an answer one way or the other right off the bat. I’ve got recruiting to get to.
8. Why should you only be able to change a player’s position on one screen during the pre-season options? And that option comes before the depth chart setting screen. How can I know where I’m deficient for next year like that? I need to be able to look at my depth chart, see where I need help, and then change positions to fill holes.
9. Also: when you change a players position he immediately sucks at the new position. This is not like real life at all. True, a three year cornerback might not catch as well as a wide receiver, but many of the skills are there. Sometimes running backs are moved to DE in the real world, OL to DL, TE to MLB or OLB, but in the game this is virtually impossible. Real life scenario: This season Alabama moved Jimmy Johns from RB to LB. I tried that on my game and his rating dropped from the 80s to the 50s. That’s bull. JJ is a phenomenal athlete with a broad set of skills, he can play better linebacker than that. Sure, he may not be upper 80s, but he still should be able to play.
10. Let me delete games from the ‘Great Game’ screen. I lost 17-14 to LSU on the last play of the game on the Heisman difficulty setting and manned up and saved the season. But now that game is recorded infinitely as one of my ‘Greatest Games.’ You know what? Nobody considers a loss, no matter how great the game was, to be one of their greatest games. Penn State probably doesn’t cherish the ‘79 Sugar Bowl like Alabama does. Don’t make me stare at my failures like that.
11. As for gameplay, as I’ve already stated it’s remarkable. But it could be better. If a well thrown ball is lobbed up to a receiver who has the lead on a DB to the corner of the end zone, the DB will invariably jump some fifteen feet into the air and swat it away or pick it. To which I say, huh? This is a mainstay play in football, and if a WR has a DB beat, the well thrown ball is caught probably 90% of the time in real life. Fix it.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: ea, football, NCAA, playstation, ps3, Sports

Okay. I admit it. I read Entertainment Weekly. It’s my wife’s subscription, but I do read it. And. Well. I like it. Sometimes pop culture is fun to watch. They do have book reviews and music and stuff, right? I mean: right. So…Here’s one little contribution to popular culture from me, but first let me get a disclaimer or two out of the way.

First: This bit is-at worst-rated PG. Secondly, and for the record: I like everyone in this story. I do not think Angelina Jolie is actually a witch (although she is a little creepy. Remember that vial of Billy Bob Thornton’s blood she wore around her neck? Remember the way she snuggled and kissed her brother at that awards show? She may not be a witch but she’s definitely got issues). And I definitely do not believe Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a little devil monster. This is just a fictional story I wrote when all the tabloids were all over the Angelina Jolie vs. Jennifer Aniston non-story. It seems Jen’s been doing fine, doesn’t it? Well, not for lack of trying, as they say, because the popular media wanted nothing more than an all-out cat fight between the two of them. So here’s my little story, “Brad Pitt and the Witch.” Please to enjoy.

When he first saw her, he couldn’t believe his eyes. She was so beautiful it made his eyes water–made his temperature rise, his heartbeat flounder. He shook his head and swallowed. She had burning blue eyes, exotically slanted, full lips and thick, long brown hair. She had long legs and large breasts and his breath burned in his chest when she looked his way and smiled.

“Brad,” she breathed, and he was baptized by her gaze, her smile, her attentions.

“Angelina,” he managed. He swallowed, made uncomfortable by being uncomfortable. He did the cute thing with his mouth–open, close, open.

She laughed, and she had eyes only for him. She crossed her fingers and put them next to her heart, then pulled her hand away and pointed at him. She’d done it once before, he thought, but couldn’t be sure. His heart swelled with desire.

That night she bedded him. He never thought of Jen. Now, his eyes saw only Angelina, his angel, his True Love. She fed him fruit for breakfast. Once again, she crossed her fingers and pointed at him.

“What’s that?” he asked, seeming to remember she’d done it a few times.

“It’s a love charm,” she replied.

“What, like, to make me love you?”

She nodded, laughing.

“Whatever,” he said.

“It’s true. I’m a witch.”

“Ah,” he said, waving his hand at her and looking away, smiling.

“Look,” she said, pulling up the sleeve of her silk pajama top, revealing a tattoo. “This is a mark of a witch. See the unicorn?”

He shrugged. “You can get those anywhere.”

She showed him the sixth toe on her left foot, and he scratched his head. “I guess it’s true: nobody’s perfect.”

She showed him her third nipple. “This is for suckling the beast.”

He didn’t know quite what to say to that, but somewhere in the cloudy depths of his brain he could feel that this was an issue that he wasn’t totally okay with. But every time he almost locked in on it his emotions swelled and he swooned with love for her. She crossed her fingers, pointed at him.

“That’s just a gesture,” he said, confident that she wasn’t a witch.

“Sure it is; but there’s power in it.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s true,” she said, laughing. “There’s power in every gesture, to some degree. I saw a woman cry yesterday on the street when a little boy waved goodbye to her.”

“Yeah,” Brad said, “but that power isn’t in the gesture, it’s in the emotion the gesture brings up.”

“Isn’t it the same? One, and the other? My gestures call up emotions as well. They just happen to be able to call up other things, as well.”

“Like love. Right!” he said, shaking his head. “Give me a strawberry.”

She fed him a strawberry. “It’s okay, lover, you don’t have to believe me. Just go to Africa with me. I want you to meet someone.”

“Africa? Whatever. I’m not real interested in culture. I’d rather hang out, drink some beer, go fishing on the yacht. What’s George doing this weekend?”

“I need you to meet a woman named Ootu. She’s the one who taught me how to capture you. Now I need a potion, to make it permanent. That way I won’t have to keep doing the gesture that seems to be bothering you.”

He shrugged, ate an apple wedge.

***

In Africa, they made love every moment they could. They met Ootu, and she blessed them and married them in her fashion, at the same time dissolving his previous marriage. They adopted several children while they were there, as payment for magics rendered.

In nine months they bore their baby and named her Shiloh, and Angelina frequently suckled the baby with her third nipple.

“People think our baby’s better than Tom and Katie’s,” Brad said one day.

“Of course they do,” Angelina replied.

Brad seemed to be thinking, something that was dangerous in Angelina’s opinion. “But what if theirs doesn’t have that birthmark?” he asked, pulling a crisp linen shirt over his head.

“What birthmark?” Angelina replied, honestly not knowing what he was referring to.

“On her head. You haven’t noticed?”

Angelina looked down and poked through Shiloh’s hair, discovering the mark there and recognizing it at once.

“Funky, ain’t it?” Brad asked. “Looks like a symbol or something.”

“She’s got six fingers, too,” Angelina said proudly.

“Well, maybe Tomkat’s baby has something.”

End.

That’s it! Hope you enjoyed this brief foray of Unabashed into the realm of popular culture. Please deposit all snark in the appropriate comments section and have a good night!

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Fiction, George Clooney, katie holmes, story, tom cruise, Witch

I really liked the show Northern Exposure, particularly the Chris in the Morning radio bits. One of the primary reasons for this, of course, is because the show had really, really excellent writers, who were philosophers at heart. Wikipedia instructs us:

Northern Exposure’s flavor came from a combination of various influences. The show’s creators, Joshua Brand and John Falsey, were members of the Esalen Institute in California where an eclectically “spiritual” worldview was presented, best exemplified in the writings of Swiss psychologist Carl Jung and American anthropologist/mythologist Joseph Campbell (whose works are frequently referenced in the series). There are also fantasy elements inherited from the works of Carlos Castaneda and the magical realism novels and stories of Latin American author Gabriel Garc’a M’rquez. Both creators were also conversant with classical Russian Literature. This characteristic is evident in the satirical elements from the show that are hallmarks of the Russian literary grotesque style of such authors as Gogol and Dostoevsky.

I won’t lie; I don’t know who half of those people are, but it still sounds cool, especially when you consider those are the influences on a (purely fiction) low-power AM morning radio program.

Now I’m also a Sirius radio subscriber, although I’m kind of wishing for better content there. Sure, I like a lot of the music channels, but I don’t listen to Howard Stern and I really don’t like the quality of today’s morning radio in general. I wonder that nobody emulates what the NEx writers did with the KBHR skits. It seems like a no-brainer to me, of course I can certainly understand that there aren’t many philosophers out there waiting in the wing to work on a morning radio program. I’m caught up in a morning radio funk, I guess. All the local channels are filled with guffawing idiots, Sirius is strictly music unless you like Stern or political talk (I don’t), and that leaves sports radio, which is fine sometimes but gets old after awhile (especially during the off season). I won’t go on about what a great idea it would be for Sirius to emulate Chris in the Morning radio show on Cicely, Alaska’s KBHR from the television program Northern Exposure… :-)

Maybe a podcast? I would love to find a quality podcast, but so far I’ve had zero luck with podcasting. Well, maybe not zero, because I do like Escape Pod. But that’s the only one so far. If anyone knows of any good podcasts or radio shows I might pick up on the internet, I’m listening.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Alaska, Chris, Cicely, Escape Pod, Exposure, KBHR, morning, NEx, Northern, Podcast, Radio, show

I am engulfed with fanboy frenzy. Next up on the calendar of movies I’m dying to see but will probably be disappointed with (see: Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Hulk, etc.) is Iron Man. I’m a comic reader from way back, and Iron Man was always one of my favorites (along with Daredevil, Ghost Rider…). Iron Man was one of those B heroes: he never sold a lot of books like Fantastic Four or Spider Man, but he was always imminently cool, like Daredevil and Moon Knight. Basically the story line should look like this: Billionaire alcoholic playboy who builds advanced weaponry has a side gig as the iron-clad super hero protector of Earth. Nobody had gadgets like Iron Man, nobody had cool like Iron Man, either. It almost makes me want to start reading comics again. Here’s the teaser trailer, when it’s over you can exhale:

The only problem is that it can’t be as cool as it looks, can it? Robert Downey Jr. has, like Tony Stark (Iron Man’s alter ego), had his share of ups and downs. And though I’ve known for a while that he was cast in the lead role I haven’t been very excited about it. His acting technique has never seemed quite to fit with what I had envisioned for Stark. But this teaser makes him seem like a really good fit. I’ve got to hand it to director Jon Favreau, it looks like he’s done a great job of directing… a trailer. Jury’s still out on the movie. But hey, lately there have been some movies that I’ve been excited about and have actually been good: 300, Transformers, Casino Royal, and Sin City to name a few. (You might note that all the movies referred to in this post are movies that were based on some other medium and were not original ideas. The movies I seem to get the most excited about are the ones based on things that I liked when I was a kid or have always wanted to see modernized and put up on the silver screen.)

Fanboy Moment: Iron Man in the comics was one of the five or six most powerful beings on the planet. In sheer strength, only the Hulk and Thor could really overpower him. I seem to remember one situation where Iron Man was sent to corral the Hulk during one of his “Hulk smash!” rampages, and Iron Man powered up his armor and laid the green giant out flat. Knocked the Hulk unconscious. For the fanboy in me, this is a monumental statement. Of course, the power required of that knockout punch drained Iron Man’s suit of energy and he collapsed in a heap almost simultaneously. Sure, there are a lot of other super-strong heroes: Colossus, The Thing, Rogue… but they’re all second or third tier when it comes to brute strength. If I had to send one Marvel hero over to DC to duke it out with Superman, it would have to be either Thor or Iron Man. Hands down. /Fanboy Moment.

One thing I really would like to know: Why don’t we all have gadgety suits of flight-capable armor by now? I mean, this is the 21st century, right? Aren’t we all supposed to be able to fly to work by now? Where’s my Iron Man suit?

It gives me chills. It really does. (In a good way.)

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Comics, Daredevil, hero, Hulk, Invincible, Iron Man, marvel, moon knight, Spider Man, super

If this is true, the web may finally kill network television.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: DSL

Disclaimer, added 1-28-08: If you saw a commercial that led you to believe this show is about “animal torture” and are resolutely refusing to watch it based on that single commercial, please note: You are wrong, quite possibly delusional, and missing out on a good show. Thanx. :-)

I admit it: I like to watch No Reservations, the Travel Channel show hosted by bejeweled Anthony Bourdain. It’s one of the few shows on television that I can sit through nowadays. I’m no chef, but I do like to eat, and I like to visit exotic locations vicariously through another, and Tony hits a lot of the spots I’d like to visit myself, along with drinking massive amounts of alcohol in virtually every variety. The show is edgy, and it’s not entirely uncommon to see dinner before it’s dead, and sometimes even while it’s being killed (no, I don’t get any kind of thrill at seeing animals killed, but I’m a realist, and I know that steak I ate last night had to come from somewhere, and there’s a very decent possibility that the methods used to kill animals in this show are equally if not more humane than those used to kill the cow who begat my steak). His commentary is entertaining, usually laced with funny witticisms, and the locations are always exotic and culturally significant. I’m fairly impressed by the website they’ve put together for him, along with a wiki, which I haven’t delved into very much but seems a near stroke of genius.

Little did I know when I started watching this show that Bourdain writes fiction; in the show’s intro he says he’s a writer, but since he’s a chef I assumed he was a cookbook writer. Of course he is a cookbook writer, but come to find out he also writes crime novels and murder-mysteries. I haven’t read any yet, but I will…

Best moments of the show:

• Bacon Doughnut (!) at Voodoo Doughnut in Portland, Oregon. Can I haz one, pleaze? And a tee shirt, too? Thanx.
• Shrimp-n-grits in Charleston, South Carolina. I’ve never had it, but I will.
• The palpitating cobra heart in Saigon. Yes: he ate the still-beating heart of a king cobra.
• The beach cookouts in Key West and Australia.
• The sensational private sushi sitting in Osaka, which according to interview transcripts, cost about $200.
• The ostrich egg in Africa. Some Bushmen cooked up the egg in dirt. Bourdain noted that it was “gritty.”
• The pig anus, also in Africa, noted by Bourdain as being his all-time low. (This from a man who said he would not eat monkey brains or rat.)
• South America, when he dosed himself with ayahuasca.
• And, of course, when he tried riding a 4-wheeler up a sand dune in Australia and it rolled on him.

From the transcript of an online interview (2006):

Washington, D.C.: I still get nightmares from that beating cobra heart that you swallowed in Saigon. Do you throw it up in this Sunday’s outtakes show?

Anthony Bourdain: No. Actually eating the cobra heart was a lot like eating a very small, very angry and rather athletic oyster. The fermented shark in Iceland was much, much more difficult.

And, finally, one last quote:

Anthony Bourdain: I would rather have sex with a crackhead clown an ebola-infected spider monkey than eat Spam on a regular basis. Does Spam qualify as food or bulding material?

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: Anthony, bacon doughnut, Bourdain, cobra heart, doughnut, no reservations, voodoo

An excerpt from the Society of S by Susan Hubbard (which has been excellent so far. I’m about halfway through it. Here’s an interview with Susan). This is the inscription on a tombstone in a Savannah, GA cemetery, of a man whose ghost still roams the night:

This humble stone
records the filial piety
fraternal affection and manly virtues
of
James Wilde, Esquire,
late District Paymaster in the army of the U.S.
He fell in a Duel on the 16th of January, 1815,
by the hand of a man
who, a short time ago, would have been
friendless but for him;
and expired instantly in his 22d year:
dying, as he had lived:
with unshaken courage & unblemished reputation.
By his untimely death the prop of a Mother’s
age is broken:
The hope and consolation of Sisters is destroyed,
the pride of Brothers humbled in the dust
and a whole Family, happy until then,
overwhelmed with affliction.

The only thing I haven’t liked about the book so far is the tagline: “If you ever want to hide from the world, live in a small city, where everyone seems anonymous.” In my mind, just the opposite is true. I live in a small town and it’s very difficult to be anonymous here. Even the reclusive people are discussed at length, at times. There’s no escaping gossip in a small city, but in a large city, well, I would imagine that’s where it would really be easy to become anonymous. Just my thoughts.

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: bonaventure, cemetery, georgia, ghosts, savannah, susan hubbard, vampires

From EW:

So it’s a huge disappointment that a new two-disc version of Death Proof strips the Grindhouse experience of everything that made it special in the first place. No longer are Tarantino’s and Rodriguez’s films piggybacked as a bloody double feature; they’re being released separately (Planet Terror comes out Oct. 16). It’s a colossal mistake. And if the idea is to bundle them together again at a later date, well, that’s just a cynical rip-off.

I’m very disappointed. I have two toddlers and don’t get to go to movies very often, so even though I was pumped about Grindhouse I couldn’t go see it. Fast forward to the DVD release, which I’ve been equally stoked about, but now I find out the movies, Planet Terror and Deathproof, will be released seperately and will not include the vintage promo reels which introduced the films or the trailers for fake exploitation movies which unspooled at intermission.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but this SUCKS! I’m not even going to buy the DVDs now; I’ll rent them, sure, but don’t try to sell me an inferior product that doesn’t even resemble the original. You’ve sucked the nuances out it, and for me, life is all about the nuances. I’m disgusted.  

written by Matt Mitchell \\ tags: deathproof, grindhouse, planet terror

Two big announcements from Southern Fried Weirdness:

First, a new story is available through Southern Fried Weirdness Online, ‘The Last Man,’ by Matt Mitchell. (Read it online for free).

Second, the Southern Fried Weirdness print anthology has officially been released. Click here to order your copy today! (I am a featured author in the book).

Although I’ve had other stories accepted for publication before this one, the combination of these two stories represent the first stories available to be read, one online and one in print, so as you can expect, I’m very excited about this development. Thanks to TJ McIntyre, editor extraordinaire of SFW, for having the foresight and good sense to put this anthology together and for believing in the (previously) unpublishable Matt Mitchell.

Now, go forth and purchase copies!

written by Matt Mitchell