*Blog entry disclaimer: Before you read this, please note that this entry was written with a sincere fondness for the people it involves. I poke fun, but only with spirit of genuine light-hearted good nature. And: This may not be funny at all if you’ve never seen the “Strike” episode of Seinfeld (1997) in which Festivus is one of the center topics. Please refer to the 6-minute youtube video for education.
Happy Winter Solstice, from here on out the days get longer and longer (until the Summer Solstice, of course). And Sunday will give us another holiday to celebrate with the advent of Festivus! It’s a Festivus miracle! Festivus was of course popularized by Seinfeld, but, according to Wikipedia, it was invented by Reader’s Digest writer and editor Daniel O’Keefe, whose son was a writer for the Seinfeld show (He’s since written a book on the subject).
Here’s how to properly observe Festivus:
- You need a pole.
And that’s it! Now in honor of Festivus, we shall now have the airing of grievances, and, since some of my blogging buddies have been feeling down lately (hopefully this will cheer them up a little), those who most often comment on this blog are those against whom I will be airing my grievances. I know I’ve known all of you almost a whole month now, and purely through our blogs, but really, I feel like we’re all one big band of brothers. So let’s go out to the woodshed, shall we?
First up, Al Paul:
Al Paul, the man with two first names… No, wait, I can’t really use that as a grievance, I know a guy named Jim George. Hell, I know a guy named Homer Simpson whose wife’s name is Margie (swear to God), and another guy I work with is named Mike Gwin. Guess what his wife’s name is… come on. Guess. Okay, it’s Gwen! Yes, Gwen Gwin is her name. Anyway, back to grievancing Al. Al, my grievance with you stems from your propensity to copulate with power equipment. Don’t deny it, I know how much you love that snow blower. I just think you should ask before you touch, okay?
And now, Steve Buchheit:
Buchheit! My son tells me your company stinks! No, wait, that wasn’t my son, and that wasn’t your company. It’s really hard to build a grievance case against someone you’ve never seen before or spoken with or…but of course, I don’t know how to pronounce your last name! Yes, my grievance with you concerns trying to wrap my head around how to pronounce your last name. I must have ten different ways to pronounce it made up in my head: Buck-height? Buh-chite? Boo-heet? Additionally: You couldn’t smooth a silk sheet if ya had a hot date with a ba… I lost my train of thought. Moving on!
The Mysterious Mr. w0pht:
Number three on my list of commenters who have never done anything to deserve being grievanced against is Mr. w0pht, if that is indeed your name. Yes, I know your real name very well, Mr. w0pht, and it’s a very convenient name for a website, isn’t it? I’ll bet you have no Google twin, do you, Mr. w0pht? Try to register any domain beginning with ‘Matt Mitchell’ and you’ll understand my grievance with you. I’m at least the twelve millionth Matt Mitchell on teh internets. But back to you, Mr. w0pht. It’s very convenient to be named w0pht almost too convenient, if you ask me. I don’t know of anyone else with a numeral as a part of their legal name. So, Mr. w0pht, ff that is indeed your name… Oh, it’s not? Oh. Well then. Ahem. Moving on!
Last but not least! Dave Klecha:
I’m really having trouble coming up with a grievance against Dave, because he blogs rarely and has amazingly… large… knees? No, I can’t really say that, I don’t know that to be true, even though it is rumored widely on the internet that all marines have knees that are phenomenally out of proportion with the rest of their bodies. Large knees and… blogs so rarely! Yes, he blogs much too rarely. My grievance against you, Dave, is that you blog much too rarely. You need to blog more often. And you have disproportionately large knees (rumored).
As for me, I’m sure the airing will be mighty indeed. If only you knew how rarely I brush my teeth. I’m kidding! I brush them at least once a week. Or at least I claim to.
Let the Airing of Grievances begin!!
Next up: Feats of Strength! Nobody leaves until Buccheit pins me! (You didn’t think I’d pick the Marine, did you? Steve, please tell me you’re not a Marine…)
9 Comments
Oh sure, you post this just as I’m leaving work.Yeah yeah yeah. Gotta clock out in a sec. More later.
And it’s “Bu (like Pew with a B) height” (”ch” is silent). And I was Air Force and Tai Chi. Oh, and Philadelphia street fighting.
CRAP!! Okay, just pin me and get it over with. Waitaminnit, isn’t Tai Chi just glorified Yoga? (kidding).
Everybody can leave now. The Feats of Strength was ruined by superior combat skills of one of the attendees.
How many sci-fi writer geeks out there are hams? Well, I could be the only one. So that alone makes me unique, no?
The call sign, W0PHT belonged to my father. When he passed away a few years ago, I decided that the call sign deserved to remain in the family and I got my Amateur Radio ticket and took his old call.
Check out this entry Real Life Storyfor a story about my dad and his radio hobby.
Oh, and I am former Air Force too.
Matt–funny stuff man. I know you’re a big boy, but I’m gonna take you down during the “feats of strength”
And as far as me and my power tools, you only need to get worried if you see my smoking a cigarette in the picture with the snow blower or lawn mower. :)
Maybe I should post a pic of me and my air tools next eh?
Have a great Christmas!
One more thing, there is a pattern here because I am also former Air FOrce. Wow, Matt, you’re a zoomie magnet!
Yeah, but we haven’t heard from our Marine yet… Anyway: Feats of Strength is officially cancelled on the grounds that the host doesn’t want his arse kicked. Happy Festivus :-)
Ken: There have got to be more SF-geek hams than just you, and I’ll bet you a lot of them have their call sign as their URL too. I have friends at work who put their call signs all over everything.
Al: cigarette…LOL!
Ah, but I’m a nice guy.
“Tai Chi just glorified Yoga?” okay, two stories of Tai Chi. I have a few friends (well, they’re my wife’s friends, I just hang around with her) that are Chinese (as in, they carry Chinese Passports), at one fair we went to a local dojo was performing Tai Chi as a demonstration. Friend said, “Why they do old people exercise, and doing it so fast?” Yeah, she was hilarious.
For those that don’t know, Tai Chi is like a form a calisthenics and martial arts. Very slow moving muscle on muscle tension exercises. Balance, form, all that. And if you aren’t sweating by the end of the second form and ache by the middle of the third (Dragon Reaches for Stars) either you’re in excellent shape and tone or you ain’t doing it right.
Then, when I was learning it (from another first generation Chinese) I asked the master if this was a full martial art (hint to newbies, NEVER DO THIS, and I knew better, but it was just him, me and my wife) or just good balance and strengthening exercise. What followed was a short sparing session ended by me being tossed across the room by the basic “General Leads His Horse” by a man 3/4 my height and half my weight. GLHH is the is part of the first set of movement, without going through it I think it’s form 8 or something like that.
Oh, and just because you haven’t met Dave, I wouldn’t want to tussle with him. I like being in one piece. Just saying.
And “Hey Allyn.” Unfortunately I have shitty eyesight, so even though my OCT scores had them all falling over themselves, no flying for me. There’s plenty of other cool jobs, though.
I think I mentioned right away that Dave was excluded from the Feats of Strength on the basis of he’s a Marine. Having been in the Navy, I am all-too familiar with Marine-style roughhousing.
And you know, Al, I was in Naval Aviation so, though I’m not a “Zoomer,” my Naval career was spent working on and around jets. So I’m down. (God I’m a geek.)
Working on it, buddy. Working on it.
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[...] But Mamma (that’s the wife) is a wonderful woman too … I am so blessed to have her in my life. She had Santa get me a big gift certificate to Home Depot (yep, Matt, I’ll be taking some more pictures with my tools just for you and the Festivas celebration) and I also got a new Coffee Maker!!! (”WhoooHooo” as my buddy Wil would say.) [...]